Infant & Pregnancy Loss Impact on Mental Health | BWRT

Yesterday, 15th October, was infant and pregnancy loss awareness day, it is also one of the themes through the month of October, along with mental health awareness. These 2 sit so well together but often are not considered in the same vein.

The stat 1 in 4 is often shared. In case you're not aware... that is: 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.

I'm not going to go into how inconsiderate people are in the words they say - that's if they even know it has happened. What I want to highlight is that many times, you won't even know what the couple has gone or is going through.

People, in general, don't share when they are trying to start a family or when they are having difficulty conceiving and most often they don't share the devastation they feel at the loss.

These are people you work with, people in your friendship circle who are grieving so deeply and you probably don't even know it.

Because let's be real for a moment and remind ourselves that it is not "just" the loss of an embryo - it is the shattering of a dream, of hope, of a mental movie they are playing over and over in their minds.

Imagine that happens 2,3,4, even 8 times to the same person. Each time they lose their faith, hope and trust in themselves and their body.

Imagine now, on top of the chronic stress they are going through, that person has lost faith in themselves and their essence of what it means to be a man or a woman (in their eyes). Maybe their marriage has taken strain because they resent or blame the other, even when they don't want to. Maybe one is supporting the other spouse through emotional instability.

Failing to conceive and miscarrying have real mental health impacts.

Very real.

It is an affront on their abilities, their confidence, their faith. It is the loss of many lives and dreams.

It is not "oh, at least you know you can fall pregnant", "it will happen when it's meant to".

It brings trauma, anxiety, depression, suicide, deeply seated regret, shame and shatters self esteem, confidence and self- trust.

It's their life. Their self-perception. Their identity. Their uncertain future. Their inability to control the outcome.

The very core of them is rocked, their significant other may be triggering them every day, social media, family events, receiving another "Yay! We're pregnant" message.

My point is, this is not something they feel they can share due to sheer shame or guilt or even feeling as though they are a failure at life. Further, they feel that they need to spare their loved ones the constant anguish and low mood they feel, so they retreat further and further into themselves.

This the danger zone. They start to lose friends and become incredibly insular, they become emotionally numb. Afraid to want, to dream, to hope. They are constantly exhausted because of all the negative mental chatter going on inside their head. They have 1 obsessive focus - must get pregnant.

How would you recognise the signs?

1. Your friend, family member starts to avoid functions, catch ups
2. They avoid phone calls and simply text short responses
3. They spend longer in bed, sometimes not getting up
4. They stop laughing as much or their laugh has changed because it is forced
5. They literally freeze or hold their breath when they see a pregnant woman, a baby or toddler
6. They may be more tearful
7. Their eyes may have lost their shine
8. The start to look more and more dishevelled when you do manage to see them, or they haven't washed their hair
9. They don't talk about their life
10. It's hard for them to look you in the eye
11. They could be completely hyper aroused

You would need to pay close attention to see if someone is really doing okay. You do not know what is going on in their heads.

What can you do & say?

1. Ask people if anything is going on for them?
2. Are they happy?
3. How are things going at home?
4. Ask if they need support with anything
5. Ask if they'd like you to come and sit at home with them binge watching TV
6. Gain their trust
7. Use soft, gentle language
8. Remind them you are always available to listen if they need it
9. Cook them a meal
10. Go on a trip to the hair salon
11. Go for a walk in nature

You need to get the person out of their head and back into their bodies. Gently, smoothly and unobtrusively. The quickest way is to get them to take micro steps, make micro movements. Make sure they are not breathing shallowly or holding their breath.

Importantly, make sure you know what is going on with your people. The ones you love and consider friends. Men need just as much support as women around this topic. It is not a wholly female problem, it's a couples issue.

Be kind.

Laura Steventon

Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapist and BWRT Practitioner.

If you know someone affected or impacted by the loss of fertility, miscarriage or losing their job due to the result of mental illness following chronic stress, share this article as well as my details to schedule a free consultation. No one should need to cope alone.

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